Why and How to Apologize
The Problem
Many people don't apologize. Instead, most people offer either rubbish non-apologies, or simply ignore the hurt and wallpaper over it with a nice gesture. But any action will have a consequence. By not apologizing, we are telling the wrongdoing recipients that we don't love them, care for them, or respect them. Rubbish non-apologies often do more harm than good. Rubbish non-apologies will effectively damage or entirely destroy the love, respect and trust they have developed towards us. Long term the relationships will be weakened or die because we choose to not nourish them by giving love and care. They will grow wary of us, put on guard, distance themselves out or reduce contact to avoid us if they can, or even distrust us.
It also harms ourselves. We will experience avoidance, emotional isolation, guilt, shame, etc. and these will ultimately lead to a lower self respect, self happiness. Lack of self respect and happiness will lead to a series of other deep problems and behaviors. The down side of not apologizing is just too much. Don't allow their hurt feelings to accumulate to the heart breaking point that nothing can rescue your relationship.
The Benefits of Apologizing
On the other hand, there are so many benefits if we make an apology. Giving a sincere appropriate apology is like giving a pain killer, it will instantly soothe the other people's emotional pain and help to heal. It also has physical health improvement on the wronged person’s end. A 2002 study by researchers from Hope College and Virginia Commonwealth University that showed that heart rate, blood pressure, sweat levels, and facial tension decreased in victims of wrongs, even when they simply imagined receiving an apology.
But for most people, a sincere proper apology demonstrates that you love them, care for them, respect them, which will help them to give you a full forgiveness which helps to restore their love, respect and trust back to you.
A great apology is a great way to love yourself. I'll say it again, a great apology is a great way to love yourself. That's because the best way to love yourself is to improve yourself. Making yourself a better person than you were yesterday is the path to greatness, and the ultimate self-love. And apologizing enhances yourself. When you take full responsibility of your actions, the benefits can go much deeper, because we have to work on our humility, courage, empathy, compassion, remorse, learning your deeper or hidden flaws, forgiving ourselves, making decision to improve, growing deeper love, care... One of the quirks of human nature is that your loved ones can see you better than yourself. So when an apology is sincerely requested, it is almost always a result of something they see in you that you did not see yourself. Therefore, the opportunity to apologize should be a most welcome thing, because it represents a new self-improvement!
When to Apologize and when to NOT Apologize
Just to be clear, you may not need to apologize every time someone is offended at you. Here's a simple rule for who should apologize in inter-personal conflicts: Whoever got angry should apologize. If one party stayed peaceful and continued to speak with a nice tone, they may not need to apologize. Why is anger the decider? Because anger is emotional violence. I repeat. Anger is emotional violence. Anger is the predatory killer of love, and apologies are the healer and restorer of love.
Of course, there are many other things to apologize for that are more obvious, so I'll leave that to you.
My Personal Growth
I used to hate to have to apologize. I felt like it was degrading, demeaning, and admitting inadequacy. I felt I was pretty close to perfect, smarter than most, and generally not wrong or mistaken. That was very hard and stressful for me, because essentially I had to defend the indefensible. It was difficult to come up with excuses. The excuses often became ridiculous and alienating to others. People correctly thought of me as a pompous jackass. By refusing to apologize, or giving excuses instead, I thought I was raising myself in others' eyes, but instead I was lowering myself.
At some point, I liberated myself from the weight on my soul that was this foolish pride. I figured out it's just so much relaxing and easier to not be required to be perfect all the time. I found that people like me MUCH better and I start to get the respect that I was hoping for when I was trying to convince people I was perfect. We may be able to fool ourselves, but it's obvious and plain to everyone else. Believing you are perfect is like wearing the emperor's new invisible clothes.
How to Apologize
Aim an ideal result.
I have to warn you that if your goal is to benefit yourself, like to let the hurt person to forgive you, to avoid guilt, a gesture to show politeness, or to prove that you didn't intentionally hurt them, these goals will lead you to a rubbish non-apology, which is even worse than no apology. The ideal result should be to heal their hurt, make them feel restored, and to give them confidence that you won't hurt them again.
Figure out deep down within yourself why you carried out that wrongdoing. Weaken your flaws by remorse, regret, repent. But don't get mad of yourself, instead you need to forgive yourself and focus on how to improve.
Listen to them with compassion.
Apology is best made in person. When you invite the other to talk about how and why they were hurt, you're giving them psychological pain killer, and they'll love you for it. Pay attention to exactly what hurt them. It could be simply one problem or maybe a few. There is a possibility that the person couldn't pin point the hurt source precisely. You can help him/her to find it out by asking questions.
Validate their hurt feelings. Validation is the most important component of an apology. Without validating that they have hurt feelings that caused or triggered by us, and it's rightful for them to feel hurt, everything else we say will mean little to nothing to them. It could be conceived as a false apology and cause deeper harm in relationship.
Give compassion and sympathy if it's desired by your other. Some people might find it demeaning, but some people appreciate and even need it. Express your regret and remorse sincerely. For example, “I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings.” Or, “I wish I hadn't hurt you.” Or, “How can I make you feel better?”
Admitting your wrongdoings clearly and take full responsibility without bringing any excuses, even it's not your intention to hurt. Even if you have very good reasons for doing what you did. Excuses are NEVER valued. Let that sink in. Excuses, no matter how good, are NEVER VALUED! “Reasons” are excuses, and they only serve to diminish you, no matter how good they sound to you.
Discuss the changes needed to improve. It can be bringing in a new rule, set reminder. But don't promise something too hard to achieve, rather to work out something both parties can accept.
Thanks for the given forgiveness. The forgiveness is a wonderful gift! It has both emotionally and physically healing power. Thanks for ourselves to choose to do the right thing. Thanks for the opportunity to discover our deeper flaws. If we can face it, we can fix it.
If you can achieve these goals well, the other will love, respect, trust you more than ever, because you are tested, verified and proved to be a loving caring trusting person!
Here are some apology pitfalls to avoid
Squirt octopus ink. Talk all around the subject. Give long explanations about why you did what you did or said what you said. Make sure every detail of the circumstances and what you were thinking is reiterated multiple times. Monopolize the conversation so that the other has no chance to butt in and try to bring clarity.
An even better way to squirt octopus ink is to speak at great length about how you were a victim of something. It doesn't even have to be related to the original topic. The key is to get maximum sympathy, so the other forgets how you hurt them, and then the subject can be dropped. If they bring it up again, claim you already apologized. Make sure to act just a little miffed that they brought it up again, like it's their fault they didn't forgive you.
Just say “I'm sorry.” Get angry if the other brings it up again. Emphasize that you already apologized, and it's their fault for not forgiving.
Tell them you're sorry, but they just drive you crazy and you can't help it.
Finish the sentence, “Sorry, but...” in a plethora of creative ways.
Don't mention it at all. Just say or do something nice, and hope everyone forgets it.
And for the ultimate in rubbish, say, “Love means never having to say you're sorry.”
Distract the others by giving your own sad/hurt stories, in hope to not to apologize your wrongdoings and may even get some sympathy from them for the moment. Them will still have the pain/hurt but that's their problem because you already offered the “apology”.
Questions About Apologies
You might be concerned that giving a proper apology will be used against you in the future. No it won't. Not unless you're dealing with a manipulative narcissist. And in that case, giving an apology or not will not change the fact that they will weaponize what you did when it suits them. Therefore apologizing doesn't change anything in that case, except perhaps it strengthens you.
Almost always, both parties have hurt each other. The common concern is the one to apologize first might be blamed for everything. That's not a real concern. Almost always, one side apologizing leads to the other apologizing. It's just a question of who is of stronger character goes first. In the case they refuse or give non apology, you could reconsider your position in this relationship if you have a choice. If not, you can still heal yourself by actively forgiving them which will release and heal your own hurt/pain. And wish/wait for them to grow up someday.
The Importance of Forgiving, Even When There's No Apology
Why do you need to forgive without receiving an apology? To be clear, I'm not saying you should treat them like nothing ever happened. I'm saying to treat YOURSELF like nothing ever happened. That's because carrying pain and/or anger is a punishment on yourself, not anyone else. If you are an adult, you are responsible for your own mental health. The goal is to release that anger from yourself, and sooth your own pain. The way you do this is your conscious mind needs to talk nicely to your subconscious, give yourself a lot of compassion and sympathy, and tell it you are strong enough to heal on your own without anyone else's help. Forgive, knowing the other is not strong enough to properly apologize right now. Wish for their enlightenment some day. Repeat this over the course of days or even weeks until you can face the other without feeling angry, painful, or resentful. You don't have to give the other smiles or the full benefits of a good relationship. The goal instead is to make yourself able to see them without pain.